I do like large gatherings, but I don’t really do well meeting people and making friends in them. I find it too chaotic and difficult to “be myself” with so many people. I also feel there tends to be more shallow conversation in these settings making it great for banter and social energy but less great for connecting and getting to know new folks.
I am looking to meet new people to be friends, as in capital F friend, not just a random person I know. Someone who wants to hit me up and go do something fun, check in on me and see how I’m doing, etc.
How do you go about meeting people and finding social settings that foster deeper connections?
I think I read somewhere that friends are made at places where you’re both obligated to be. That’s why so many friends are made at school or uni, or later in life, work. Personally I tried stand up comedy and had success in meeting friends. Funny people like funny people. My brother found friends in theatre groups. My friend meets his mates at football clubs, and my partner meets her friends as a twitch streamer at meetups.
Yep, this rings true for me, as well. I’m in my 30s now, and pretty much all of my closest friends are people I either went to school with, or worked with. I can think of only one close friend that I met outside of these two circles, and meeting her at all was largely just chance, I think.
A big problem that a lot of people face these days is that they’re told to meet new people through shared interests; hobbies, clubs, and other activities outside of your obligated social duties. But for many of these people, myself included, the lack of a real “reason” to share those spaces doesn’t encourage meaningful conversation with people. Like OP mentioned, it’s largely just shallow small-talk that, while it satisfies that itch to socialize, doesn’t really build any meaningful, long-lasting connection with the other person.
I feel like this is the reason a lot of us turn to the internet. Places like Facebook, Twitter, Reddit, and now even here on Lemmy, seem to fill that void without requiring the social commitment of actually going to a place and being present in the moment. At least, that’s kinda how I see it, for my own self. Is it better or worse this way? I dunno, I’m nowhere near qualified to answer that.
Community theater is a great way to meet people. Go be in a play. It’s loads of fun.
And keep in mind that there are usually at least two people backstage for every actor. There are tons of technical positions to be filled and they’re just as rewarding.
You still go to large gatherings, but you don’t make friends there. You just meet people who you may decide to then try to become friends with. You’d do that in smaller gatherings or by arranging a 1:1 meetup.
I met one of my closest friends on r/needafriend. Turns out, she lived like a 10 minute walk from me - and we met up over some food.
On paper, our friendship shouldn’t work. We have little in common in terms of activities and goals. But we know how to make each other laugh and ‘get’ each other’s personality. Been like 9 years.
Whether it’s Reddit, Lemmy, Discord or some other platform - there’s definitely people out there looking for the same things. Online is a good place to start.
See if your closest city has a ‘Speed Friending’ event. Here in Boston, we have “Skip the Small Talk” and you get seated with a stranger and a dialogue prompt. I found that to be really effective too.
Small gatherings! I joined a gaming group on meetup that averages 3-8 people a week. It’s not required that you go every week, so there’s usually a unique mix of people. Board game groups seem to be the millennial version of going to the bar every Friday.
I’m glad you brought this up. So my brother tried this and had limited success with it, which made me dismiss the thiught. I love the idea but I’m worried because I like board games but I’m not a “nerd” with them. Do you think I would fit in if I was more of a casual board gamer?
It depends on the group you join! I’m sure there are groups geared towards more casual gamers that have a shallower difficulty curve. I’m a fan of many-session tabletop RPGs (like DnD) and depending on who you have running the group, you can alter the rules to fit the skill set of the people playing. One time my mates and I were at the pub and played an impromptu game of DnD with no characters, spells, items etc - the guy running it just described what the situation was; we described what we wanted to do; and we then rolled a D20 with the guy running it deciding whether or not we were successful, or what unintended consequences happened as a result. It was tonnes of fun!
That’s totally fine 😊 In my group, there’s a small handful who are really into games and buy everything. They pick up lots of games from Etsy and Kickstarter that no one’s heard of before and teach us how to play. Last week it was Wizard Kittens which took maybe 5 minutes to learn.
The most important thing though when trying to make friends is accepting failure. Instead of automatically dismissing it, just try it out and see whether or not it’s worth your time. Even if you find out it’s not for you, there may be someone there who can direct you towards a different hobby.
Find a hobby you like and find a group of people doing it together. I find those settings super easy to talk in since you know you have at least one thing in common and usually something to talk about. Like smaller concerts you can say I like the band on your shirt. I have met one of my best friends like that at a metal show.
I feel super “scared”(?) In places and moments where their are more then 7 to 8 person, I can’t tell why much. Even this year at Christmas in family, I took the charge of taking care and taking time with my very young nephews so that my brother and his wife could appreciate the moment and I was in a a bit safer place far away from the big group.
Anyway, what I did is, make my own events, fuck it, I’ll do it myself in smaller commities. I invite friends in groups of 4 to 5 max, for board games events where sometimes there’s even prizes (Moondrop Quarks, I’m not that rich). Or I started my own DnD campaign, where I told my best friend “fuck it, I’ll start it, you bring some people” I would still say I am feeling a bit alone, although I’de say I have a decent quantity of friends, but I still feel horribly bad in bigger events, and I often leave early and feel bad because of that Hope it helped
Volunteering is a fantastic way to meet amazing people.
- Find your local facebook group. (Or some alternative to this.)
- Make a group chat with description like “let’s go for a walk together time to time, to make new friendships”. Hopefully a lot of people shall join the group, most of them as lurkers.
- Write there st like “Let’s go for a short walk this evening, start at [time, place]”. Hopefully somebody shall come and they will be a cool person.
Somebody did this a few months ago in my student dorms’ group. Since then, we’ve been meeting ~1 a week. Allways a bit different group, everyone knows that everyone is here to make friendships, so the ices are broken. The group tends to be small-ish, as it’s called usually few hours in advance. The feeling is very good. And I have one person from there, with who we’re getting to be good friends.
I’d suggest trying to get involved with social aspects of hobbies. Some hobby stores can have regulars. There are often local groups or events posted on sites like meetup. Another thing is taking a class which might be about a hobby or as a way to start a hobby.
There might also just be social settings that don’t have large crowds. If you happen to be religious interact with that community more.
Interacting with people doesn’t mean they’ll turn into a friend but the key to forming a friendship is regular positive interactions. All actual friends are going to start off with “someone you just know”.
As a side it could help to manage your social battery a bit. Personally working from home has done wonders for me.
