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my guts are yelling in german
Jesus Christ I haven’t laughed that hard in weeks.
I could only read one line at a time towards the end.
Glad I’m not the only one. Dude has a way with words!
Don’t remember when last time I’ve had this much fun reading someone describing their pooping experience
I remember someone on an Amazon review that was making the rounds on reddit years ago. Try searching “Amazon sugar free gummy bears review”. The writing was on point and made me laugh for minutes straight as I was reading the whole thing.
Oh my fucking god this is good. https://www.amazon.com/review/R2JGNJ5ZPJT4YC
See you in hell, Haribo Sugar-Free Gummi Bears Reviewed in the United States on June 5, 2015 Flavor Name: Goldbears It was my last class of the semester, and the final exam was worth 30% of our grade. After a late night study session I felt confident, but I had to decide between sleeping in or cooking breakfast. My eyelids chose sleep. My stomach later regretted this decision, and after several uncomfortable stomach growls, I finally decided to make a quick stop by the campus bookstore and grab a snack before my test. Since the semester was ending and everyone was going home for the summer, a lot of items were on sale, including the snacks and candy that they kept up front. Being in the hungry state that I was in, it felt only logical to pick the largest, yet least expensive candy in order to get more bang for my buck. And there they sat: two bags of Haribo Sugar-Free Gummi Bears, buy one get one free. “What a deal!” I thought naïvely. I would eat one bag before my test, and one bag afterwards. As I walked to class, I gleefully chewed on those abominable little bastards, unaware of the utter mayhem that they would soon unleash upon my poor, poor anus. I sat down at my desk as the professor informed us that, due to issues with cheating in the past, restroom breaks would be prohibited until the completion of the exam. “I’ll give you 10 minutes to use the restroom now; this will be your last chance. Any takers?” The demon bears hadn’t released their unholy necromancy upon my stomach yet, so in my moment of ignorant foolishness, I remained seated, still munching on those miniature bear-shaped bombs. After the students wise enough to take the professor’s offer had returned, the professor handed out the test. I was six questions in when it happened. It started subtly at first, almost like a slight tingly sensation in my lower abdomen. I thought nothing of it, assuming my intestines were just doing their thang. Little did I know that my intestines were trying desperately to warn me of the horror that was on the horizon. By question 9 it happened again, but this time it was followed by a sharp pain, as if those infernal hellions had orchestrated an attack upon my colon. I fought to contain the groan that tried escaping my lips. It was at this point I began to panic; something was going horribly long, and I needed to get through this test before it got any worse. By question 14 my worst fear was upon me; the Satan bears’ burning, hot, liquidy dark magic crashed against my anal sphincter like a tidal wave. I was able to close the hatch just in time, but those relentless, toxic bears beat against it like Orcs breaking down the doors of Helm’s Deep. I knew I wouldn’t be able to so much as shift in my seat without risking a breach. I kept fighting through my exam, clenching my cheeks with all my might. Beads of sweat began rolling down my neck. Suddenly, a loud, gurgling war cry came from my belly, and the entire class lifted their heads. At this point, nothing mattered except expelling this ungodly presence from my bowels. With 15 questions left, I promptly wrote C for every answer and ran out of the classroom. My professor yelled something, but I was too preoccupied with the volcanic eruption that needed to take place before I could find sweet, sweet relief. I burst into the restroom like the Kool-Aid man and, behold, the handicap stall was empty. Sun rays from the adjacent window shone upon it, as if it were a gift from God himself. It took me less than .5 seconds to undo my belt buckle, pull down my pants, and finally relax my weary buttocks upon the toilet seat. It took absolutely no effort to expel this demon. Almost immediately, the floodgates of hell were opened and the damned, liquified souls of an entire bag’s worth of gummi bears cried as they burned through my sphincter and into the watery abyss below. I had never felt such simultaneous relief and anguish in my life. After 30 more minutes of this, I immediately went home, dug a hole in my backyard, and burned the remaining bag of gummi bears. I leave with this; do not, I repeat do NOT eat these spawns of Satan. Not only did they cause me to fail my final test, but the anguish I experienced is something I wouldn’t wish upon anyone, not even my worst enemy. The only place these god forsaken hell bears belong are buried deep below the Earth’s surface.
I had a similar experience. Eat too much of anything made with Splenda, and you will be pissing out of your ass.
A guy at work spent one Saturday eating an enormous bag of sugar free white chocolate mice, and the Sunday shopping for new bed sheets after they emerged nocturnally.
“emerged nocturnally” oh god
All I can think of is that gym bro doing shots of olive oil. It’s an ancient greentext story, where he figured it’s fine on food and in food, so the free calories are easy gains. Right? This went great until poop exited his body unimpeded. It would be misleading and incomplete to say that he shit his pants. It’s more that a whole turd let itself out and made its way straight down one pant leg. Like it had important places to be.
This is up there for me, but I think my all time favorite story is the one where the guy in the other stall answers his cell phone and starts loudly talking while the OP is trying to do his business. I’ll have to see if I can find it.
Edit: Found it.
Edit 2: Higher res image posted by @Pulptastic@midwest.social
Higher res version?
I do
The anal air pistol is a very real phenomenon and has produced the smoothest shits of my life. It’s a maglev, suspending your every log and nugget upon decadently luxurious tufts of air. I’m convinced it never even touches my colon based on the sheer level of comfort.
I’ve tried desperately to replicate it, everything from binging cabbage to kegal sealing my rectum to offer my body as a pressurized flesh methane tank, but it’s vexingly difficult to perfect. It is my brown whale.
Your writing is great, but your descriptive talents would be appreciated elsewhere.
Don’t worry, I already browse !thefarside@sh.itjust.works
You should try anal.
Welcome to the high fiber club anon.
It works not because it makes you feel fuller. It works because you’re afraid to eat anything because you’re just reloading your fiber ass cannon.
If you ease into it, fiber will give you the best shits. Little logs, no pushing. Ghost wipes are the best.
I’ve started taking meta mucil and it has been awesome. The bottle recommends 4+ pills 4(+)x a day; but I’ve only been taking one or two pills a day in total. My poops are super quick and easy now!
Not sure if you’re joking, but fibre supplements are absolutely not necessary and a waste of money. It’s in everything that grows on the fields. Whole grains, lentils, beans, you name it.
My diet is pretty good but still lacking a little in fiber. I’m taking metamucil temporarily until I have a decent rotation of easy recipes that I actually like for foods high in fiber, then I plan on cutting the fiber supplements. I have literally never eaten a lentil in my life (to my knowledge). So hopefully I figure that out soon
The BBC has some great recipes if you want cheap & easy fibre rich meals. They call it vegan, my health insurance calls it the planetary health diet, others call it whole foods plant based. I don’t care, it’s fucking delicious!
So did anon lose the weight?
With a shit like that does it even matter?
Of course. Immediately to the scale after that.
The before/after on poops are amazing.
I cut out dairy as a lifelong vegetarian a little over a year ago, and the biggest difference is my shits (I can’t digest animal fat very well, but didn’t realize that I also can’t digest animal based fats well either, so YMMV). I have clean, fast, effortless shits every time, and they’re huge (maybe you’re an adult, but there’s something satisfying about taking a giant shit for me).
This is fucking poetry.
Pooertry?
Vogon poetry, granted, but poetry still.
One should alter the diet slowly. The microbiome can’t mutate to fit your needs fast enough.
Anons shit stunk so bad because the fiber was cleansing out years of undigested red meat
Is this actually a thing?
No
Not sure but if you ask Detective Rosewood…
Anon needs to read about a balanced diet low in carbohydrates.
Carbs are not an issue.
Carbs in excess are an issue. Sugars are carbs
I agree.
Why are these unruly bowels stories always so poetic? Lol they get me every time
