Update

Hi there. I’m blown away by the quality of responses I’ve received here. Throughout, there are some extremely useful perspectives on what might be going on and the underlying motivations that are leading to my behavior. My next logical step is to be mindful of the emotions that I’m feeling when I start to feel these reset behaviors, and to extend my awareness of them outside of just the example I shared below. The next logical step is to seek out a therapist or other sort of psychological support. I just want to thank those have commented and encourage users to keep conversations going between them. My interaction with this post will likely slow a lot as I contemplate and try to find a normal. For the curious, I resisted a strong urge to do a reset yesterday at work and instead of spending a couple hours doing that, I spent considerable time learning through some blind spots in a language I’m supposed to be an expert at. Thanks again to all of you.

While all comments were useful in one way or another, I was especially impacted by comments from IonAddis and Boozilla

Original Post

I’m struggling to find relevant information or shared experiences on this topic and I’m hoping that someone here can point me in the right direction. I seem to have always struggled with what I’m calling tech permanence. I define tech permanence as the ability to use some form of tech (either a phone, an operating system, a library, a package manager, etc.) for an extended period of time.

My issue is then that I struggle with maintaining long-term relationships with these technical aspects of my life and it’s starting to affect my work and mental health. An example is likely the best way to describe this.

At least once a week I reinstall the operating system on my desktop computer at work because I can’t seem to commit to Linux or Windows 11. I’m not distro hopping on the Linux side of things (always Debian 12).

I’ve identified a cycle where this behavior repeats:

  1. Get excited by something that is only available on Linux: this can be a specific software, but more often than not it is actually the file system itself. I love everything about it.
  2. Work on Linux for a couple of days: in this stage I’ll painstakingly craft an environment that is needed for my work.
  3. ** Mental cry**: in this stage my mind will tell me that I’m just using Linux to use Linux and everything I want to do I can do on my MacBook or on Windows. I’ve seen this coupled with a bit of anxiety about not being able to use Microsoft products if requested (though I know there are a million work arounds).
  4. Searching for greener pastures: a stage in which I want to just use products that are more reliable, and honestly, just more pretty. This is the stage that perplexes me the most and often where the reinstall of my desktop to Windows occurs.
  5. Work on Windows for a couple of days: in this stage I set up my environment, do work for a couple of days, and then wonder why I don’t just use Linux.
  6. Repeat: I repeat this cycle 1-2 times per week.

This can be mapped to phone operating systems too. An example is that I use an iOS device on a daily basis, but sometimes I’ll go get a cheap Pixel just to throw GrapheneOS on, then to revert to Android, and then back to iOS.

I’ve tried pretty hard to search for relevant examples of this online, but I can’t seem to find the right search terms for any of this. The closest I’ve seen is “object permanence” in the ADHD research, but I’m pretty cautious to start self-diagnosing as I’m not a professional.

Can anyone comment on this or point me to a more appropriate community?

  • AnimacityArtist
    7·
    10 months ago

    You might want to redirect the impulse towards three things you can reasonably control, all of which I now employ:

    1. Virtual machines. Virtualbox lets you set up a little Debian instance(which can be made in a lower storage/memory footprint by sticking to a 32-bit version and XFCE desktop), and it can talk to the host OS and share stuff either using the Guest Additions functions or through networked apps like SyncThing. Windows can also be accessed in this way. Your urges to have both are therefore tamed by…literally having both, and as many instances as you want. Having the config “bottled up” like this can even be more important than having the work task run quickly, because configuration really does take a huge amount of time.
    2. Paper notes. Use these to transcribe your work and “do the real thinking” while engaging in rote, relatively mindless copying of whatever you just did or whatever documentation you need to use. Computers give you wrong answers infinitely fast, is the mantra. Sometimes the only thing to do is to literally make a process that slows you down. The beauty of traditional materials for that is that the experience is basically similar everywhere but with countless variations. Just with the paper alone you can use fancy pocket journals, cheap subject notebooks, three-ring binders, sketchbook paper, index cards, etc. And then with the pens and pencils you can explore several broad categories(wood pencil, mechanical, lead holder, ballpoint/gel/roller, marker, fountain, dip) and get color and line style variety to mark up your notes into artworks.
    3. Hobby hardware/software. I have a project now where I am building some Forth libraries for 8-bit games on Agon Light, a new single-board retrocomputing device. The point here is not to have the best “productive” tech environment, but to have one that feels artistically in tune with you, and that can means putting your foot down and allowing some DIY and “slow computing” in your life. The Agon design is open, very clean, very hackable. It’s something I could sink years into in a satisfying way, and working in Forth lets me “own” that since Forths are very detail-oriented - you’re supposed to make exact designs with them. There’s no “missing out” because there’s nothing to miss out on - there’s only one way to really make it my way, and that’s to get it through my hands.