I like your example with that song. If we interpret the scene as both acting out the behaviour the’ve been taught, they are both reinforcing each others behaviours. Assuming that both wanted to be together but there was an established “dance” around it. They can only work together. What if one (and only one) of them had not done their part? If he hadn’t, she would have left, possibly feeling that he didn’t really want her to stay. If she hadn’t, she risks being labeled “easy”. In both cases, again if we assume they both actually wanted to stay and feel good about it, they don’t both get what they want.
So… if we now, as a conscious effort from society, are trying to get away from this bad system, it seems to me that the only way is a gradual de-escalation from both sides. It also seems to me that if we only tell men to never “pursue”, but do nothing about the “hard to get”-behaviour, then men who follow the new instructions or script will be left with no chance to meet someone.
What I think is missing from the discourse today is that it’s a hard sell to young men to change their behaviour, if doing so is punished by the same people asking them to change. We’re caught in a stalemate where we need to help each other simultaneously, with mutual understanding, trust, and care. In that very sensitive process, trying to move it forward by telling someone they are a potential rapist is probably just making men dig deeper trenches and refuse to listen. Some people want this, I believe. The conflict that lets you feel righteous anger and resentment. But it’s not helping.
"It also seems to me that if we only tell men to never “pursue”, but do nothing about the “hard to get”-behaviour, then men who follow the new instructions or script will be left with no chance to meet someone. "
I was with you 100% up to here. Women are well aware they don’t have to ‘play hard to get’ anymore. This has been a huge cultural shift over the last 70 years, acting like only mens behavior is changing is naive at best.
I like your example with that song. If we interpret the scene as both acting out the behaviour the’ve been taught, they are both reinforcing each others behaviours. Assuming that both wanted to be together but there was an established “dance” around it. They can only work together. What if one (and only one) of them had not done their part? If he hadn’t, she would have left, possibly feeling that he didn’t really want her to stay. If she hadn’t, she risks being labeled “easy”. In both cases, again if we assume they both actually wanted to stay and feel good about it, they don’t both get what they want.
So… if we now, as a conscious effort from society, are trying to get away from this bad system, it seems to me that the only way is a gradual de-escalation from both sides. It also seems to me that if we only tell men to never “pursue”, but do nothing about the “hard to get”-behaviour, then men who follow the new instructions or script will be left with no chance to meet someone.
What I think is missing from the discourse today is that it’s a hard sell to young men to change their behaviour, if doing so is punished by the same people asking them to change. We’re caught in a stalemate where we need to help each other simultaneously, with mutual understanding, trust, and care. In that very sensitive process, trying to move it forward by telling someone they are a potential rapist is probably just making men dig deeper trenches and refuse to listen. Some people want this, I believe. The conflict that lets you feel righteous anger and resentment. But it’s not helping.
"It also seems to me that if we only tell men to never “pursue”, but do nothing about the “hard to get”-behaviour, then men who follow the new instructions or script will be left with no chance to meet someone. "
I was with you 100% up to here. Women are well aware they don’t have to ‘play hard to get’ anymore. This has been a huge cultural shift over the last 70 years, acting like only mens behavior is changing is naive at best.