So I don’t normally reach out to a group of strangers for emotional support. I worry about failing to communicate my views and I’m pretty “sensitive”, but I don’t like to be coddled either. But I’ve been lurking here and, while there are many viewpoints and voices, as a whole, I see this community as being considerate and supportive.
I had my first appointment with a mental health professional yesterday. This is after a year or so of realizing that I might have ADHD. I went down the rabbit hole for a couple of months, talked to my primary care and got a referral and everything! Heck, I even followed up with the clinic when they didn’t reach out to me as they said they would (gasp!). I occasionally display a moderate level of adult proficiency and sort of need to as a middle aged man.
The practitioner was lovely and she did her thing. I work in healthcare as well, so much of the structure was obvious even if the specifics were outside my field. She sends me the screen and gets the office to call me to schedule a follow up.
And I feel myself stalling again. If I look-feel at myself, I feel anxiety about being labeled. I personally don’t think it’s a bad thing to get a diagnosis; however, there are those who say it doesn’t matter, but they aren’t aware of their feelings enough to say otherwise. Sorry for being cryptic. In particular, I worry about future job prospects if needed. I always want to perform my job at the highest level I am able to and it would suck to have something that should be seen as just neutral become a liability.
Second concern lies with family members. I have a loving family, but some of the older generation view mental health conditions as a personal failing. It’s funny because we have members of the family in the generation below me that have an ADHD diagnosis and there is a loving acceptance of that fact. However, being a grown, I suspect that they would see it as character flaw and a personal failing. I’ve soft drop the idea that I believe that I have this condition.
The next thing I was hoping to hear about is people’s relationship to masking and choosing not to mask. For years, I’ve accept that I’m a bona fide weirdo. Many love and accept it even if it’s a bit too much at times. But it’s sort of unfamiliar to be my weirdo self and realize that I spend a lot of time keeping it at bay. Heck, writing this message makes me wonder if I’m masking or leaning into my over-explainer self. (For the most part I’m enjoying the process, so I’ll keep on keeping on).
Finally, I didn’t follow adult ADHD screening sent to me my the mental health practitioner. It was emotionally difficult swing from “Holy shit … I know that.” to “I know that and I a fucking failure”. The shame and depression is real and I’ve struggled with it for years. I only hinted at it in the interview with the practitioner. As I gain trust in her skill and competency, I imagine that I’ll share more with her.
Oh and meds! I’m glad to hear that meds have helped so many! I tend to be medication hesitant in general. I can see it being part of a management regime. However, I lack the clarity to contextualize its role in a long term strategy which is seated in a long term goal. If you have been medication hesitant, let me know what helped you decide one way or the other. And if you use the meds, I’d love to hear if you situate it in a long term goal and strategy for managing the condition. Sorry for the big ask.
Geez. … I guess the last thing I hate is thinking that I can’t just be me for everyone. I have to have zipped myself up in a certain way and even use meds to do it. I think this is the rawest thing that I’m feeling. Apologies if I come of as prickish. I think I need to wrestle with this more and find loving acceptance for society and myself in society. I am generally a fan of doing what you have to do to be in this world. Be kind to yourself. Be careful not to hurt others.
Alright. Preachy oversharing done. I know this needs a proofing and am tapped out. Cheers!
ADHD is genetic. So if you say a generation younger has ADHD and you have ADHD, it is very likely that the older generation has it as well.
And to your Fear of Failure with the diagnosis/labeling. The fear is there and is real for you. Because we are so used to us being a Failure that we automatically think we are one even if we just get a diagnosis. I will use my fav analogy for ADHD. Your Eyesight is not so good and you notice that others can see better and more effortlessly than you. So you go to a doctor and do some tests. The doctor tells you, hey you are short-sighted (diagnosis) here are the tools to compensate for this disadvantage, e.g., glasses (meds and therapy). Would you feel like a failure because your eyeball is shaped oddly? Why do you feel like a failure just because your frontal lope is oddly developed? (I know this analogy is overly simplified; please don’t crucify me)
But the advantage of ADHD over glasses, no one (except you and your doctors) need to know about it. You can share it only with the people you like. so auntie su doesn’t need to know and therefor cannot judge you at all.
And just because others are more open with their ADHD is no guarantee that they dont mask. My crazy thoughts are private thank you very much, but i can control how much i need to mask.
next for the meds part. again my analogy, why would you refuse glasses? of course it works without, but why do you want a handicap?
I did not (and still do not) have this magical experience with meds. Like I can finally see in HD etc. Never, mostly I don’t notice that I forget them (my coworker notices it and reminds me). I notice it in the evening because i was not productive and am in a darker mood. I struggle with taking my meds everyday for over 20 years! I have long acting so i only have to take 1 pill a day, still impossible. But the consequences when i dont take them over an extended period of time are so bad and lead straight down the depression rabbit hole. I have a long-term side effect now, I developed a tick. But better to have a random tick then being in the pit of my own head.
I am proud of you for getting help. Don’t let your head tell you, that you suck, because you are awsome!
Thank you for sharing. The depression part is one of the major reasons I’m following through with this. Twenty years of that was too much.