I’m curious how other folks have managed life after detransition. Due to mental health stuff (ended up in “grippysock jail” over half a dozen times) and later losing health insurance, I detransitioned some years ago. Semi-recently I went back on hormones, got an orchiectomy (which eased bottom dysphoria considerably), and now find myself stuck somewhere in the middle. I present as male exclusively.

I get that some people may wish to perform gender along the lines of what I’m describing, and that’s totally valid but it is not the case for me. I find the current state of affairs incredibly frustrating: I would like to be perceived as a woman. Or at least part of me does - another part doesn’t care and is waiting until I can become an hero and end the whole sordid business. In either case, presenting as female poses significant challenges, and I’m too depressed and discouraged to even try to surmount them. Even when I was more functional and had the pecuniary advantage of an allowance, it was very clear that no matter how well I honed the art of “presenting” as female, I would probably never pass.

So, to restate the question, how do people deal with the fact that (as those in some quarters of the internet put it) “you will never be a real girl”?

(and incidentally, should anyone be concerned, I’m safe and currently under psychiatric care)

  • pyu@lemmy.blahaj.zoneOP
    link
    fedilink
    English
    arrow-up
    2
    ·
    edit-2
    5 小时前

    I remember having feelings along these lines really early in transition, during the first few chaotic months after coming out of repression.

    I suppose I may still be repressed, in that I’m subconsciously trying to contort my trans identity to fit the rigid framework that seems to be my natural habit of mind (and which characterized my young adulthood for a while - I converted to traditionalist Catholicism). Not sure how to get out of this kind of thinking, probably by interacting with people. But I don’t get out into meatspace very often and my mom forbade me from visiting the autistic friend simulator (4chan). Lemmy.blahaj seems very welcoming though, and I think this kind of discussion falls well within its scope.

    I’m increasingly convinced that the very idea of some kind of absolute or canonical vision of womanhood is inherently sexist and oppressively dogmatic.

    I may well be an unwitting, but inveterate sexist: my father certainly was, and watching him abuse my mother emotionally/psychologically (and sometimes physically) for decades probably did a number on me.

    https://stainedglasswoman.substack.com/p/jubilee

    That went well over my head, if indeed there’s anything of substance behind the academic jargon. The closest-to-being-intelligible part was the numbered list towards the end, and I immediately take issue with the first point.

    1. Performativity is about using action to convey symbolic meaning to other people.

    I don’t see other people as being involved at all. (To be fair, I never could figure out “other people;” in my former therapist’s words I’m “”“probably”“” on the spectrum, which might explain it). For instance, gender euphoria happens when, somehow suspending my disbelief, I catch a glimpse of myself and think maybe I could be a woman. There’s no thought of conveying meaning to anyone, or moving through society in a different way. It’s just a fleeting, momentary paradigm shift, gone as soon as I notice it when my analytical brain starts dissecting the myriad ways in which I could never be. Other people aren’t involved, and the gender euphoria centers much more around physical characteristics of my body than around clothes or ornamentation. Physical characteristics which are, in effect, “hardwired” as feminine from an evolutionary perspective (with certain body proportions and other secondary sex characteristics correlating to appropriate hormone levels during puberty and indicating particular suitability for successful childbearing). (opinions may differ on this point, and I don’t wish to make this the focus of conversation. I was taught this in college about a decade ago, and it seems eminently reasonable to me).

    Maybe if I had FFS, breast implants, hip implants, and a vaginoplasty I could “fool” my brain into thinking I was a girl. But perhaps not permanently. I’m sure that cynical analytical asshole part of me would point out that I’m just a guy with an inverted benis, bags of saltwater slid beneath his chest, and metal plates screwed to his hips.

    The best I can hope is to reincarnate as a proper girl. (and, thankfully, I’m convinced suicides don’t reincarnate under the best of circumstances, if at all. Otherwise I’d be out of here like a shot).

    I’m not sure if you want to hear exclusively from people who have detransitioned, or if perspectives from people who are still transitioning are also welcome.

    All perspectives are very welcome, and thank you for your insightful comment. It gave me a lot to think about.

    • Transtronaut@lemmy.blahaj.zone
      link
      fedilink
      English
      arrow-up
      2
      ·
      3 小时前

      Thanks for the thoughtful reply! Glad you found at least some of it interesting.

      Not sure where you’d want to take it from here, so I’ll just leave you with a little more food for thought.

      Based on what you wrote, it’s not entirely clear where your idea of what it means to be a girl comes from. Is it some kind of instinctive, innate image that comes from within, or is it some external image that you have been pressured or conditioned into internalizing? How can you even tell the difference?

      From what you said about rigid frameworks and your upbringing, it sounds like you could benefit from learning/exploring different ways of looking at the world. In my own situation, I’ve found it helpful to study logical fallacies as a way of thinking things through more critically, and different forms of philosophy to shake my perspective up. The former gives a good lens to help decide what is useful for you in the latter. Could be worth exploring if that’s a goal of yours. Not that I have any idea whether or not you’re doing this sort of thing already.

      • pyu@lemmy.blahaj.zoneOP
        link
        fedilink
        English
        arrow-up
        1
        ·
        2 小时前

        Thanks, and sorry for writing a lot. I finally set up an appointment with a therapist (they’re trans too, which is cool), so soon I’ll have a space to sort myself out without imposing on the kindness of internet strangers.