WASHINGTON—In an effort to address voters hurt by recent actions that resulted in her being thrown out of a theatrical performance, Rep. Lauren Boebert (R-CO) announced Friday that she would personally jerk off any constituents she offended. “In the past week, I’ve heard from many supporters who were concerned by my behavior in recently released footage, which is why I’m offering to make things good between us by jacking you off,” said Boebert, instructing supporters to contact her office with proof of Colorado residency and she would personally travel to their home to deliver an on-the-house tugjob. “As a disclaimer, I will be wearing a latex glove and you need to wipe yourself off afterwards. I’m not going to do that. I’m serious about making amends, however, so feel free to rest your hand on my breasts, if necessary. Just know that this a one week only deal. So get in touch soon.” At press time, Boebert also warned her constituents that she planned to vape the entire time.
I didn’t even realise this was the onion at first, thought it was an actual news article
The Onion has had to craft wildly ridiculous headlines to differentiate itself from the regular news, and sometimes it still seems questionable.
At press time, Boebert also warned her constituents that she planned to vape the entire time.
That is an amazing ending.
“This isn’t trashy enough to be a story about her.”
gets to end
“There we go.”
For real. That did it for me 😂
Finishing on her tits costs extra
I’ll eat that onion!
… and probably her ass.
I’m pretty sure that’s how you get new and horrifying diseases.
She’s got that Congressional healthcare now, you’re good fam.
Yes, she does, we don’t.
Man I hate to even joke about this but
I’m offended
I’m just upset I don’t live in Colorado. She sucks, but I bet she does it good.
The offer was for a handjob, actually.
She has that trashy trailer park look that I am ashamed to say is appealing. But im just so offended by her actions…
You mean the 1 really hot chick of the trailer park that made all the other girls look like nothing compared to her, but she was maybe like a 6 in the rest of the world?
If you’ve ever been to Rifle, Colorado, you’d realize your theory is close than you think. But I’d go 5, not 6…
FYI: Rifle is the unkempt armpit of the Western Slope.
I’m from Georgia. Grew up around too many examples. They always think really highly of themselves too.
Damn y’all is THIRSTY!
Guilty as charged. She’s both terrible, and terribly sexy. I’m ashamed but nonetheless here we are.
Edit: I appreciate the cover, but you guys are overestimating my standards.
It’s the jizz guard glasses. Your mind is playing tricks on you by superimposing her kinda ugly mug on unto the extensive catalog of porn stored in your memory.
Honestly, this is the best Onion headline I’ve seen in a while
