Obligatory bidet comment. You don’t have to wipe like you’re trying to get peanut butter out of carpet. All shits become the same with a bidet, whether a short sticky stoagie or a hot wet mess of diarrhea. Imagine trying to clean a mud snowman off your driveway with a pressure washer. It can do anything.
You are a master of imagery.
You don’t have to wipe like you’re trying to get peanut butter out of carpet.
I lol’d
I’m not gonna pressure wash my tush, that’s a terrible metaphor! Too much power!
Tl;dr: too much pressure can result in an unwelcome “deep clean”, not recommended as a surprise.
You really have to limit the pressure to the bidet. We ultimately installed a little in-line valve but raw dogged it initially. I thought I’d be fine. “It has a dial,” I thought to myself, “I just won’t crank it up all the way.” I’m an idiot.
The next time I was really sick was when it happened. I was little kid sick, the kind of sick where you’re feverish, nauseated, and delirious, barely able to function, yet still have to drag yourself through the house and half-assedly slap your arms at things until they work, just to fulfill basic functions like drinking water and using the toilet. A toilet with a bidet.
I had just finished power blasting the porcelain for the umpteenth time and I wanted nothing more than to wash it away and ooze back into bed. I gathered all my willpower to swing an unwilling appendage over and twist the knob, but I twisted much too far and my aim… my aim was perfect. Bullseye.
In martial arts, they teach you not just to strike your target, but to strike through your target. The bidet didn’t just blast my anus, it blasted through my anus. If we were at the fair, my bidet would have popped the balloon and taken home the big bear. My wife claims she heard me cry out a high-pitched “eeeep!”, but I don’t remember it. I just remember shock and confusion as I pawed at the bidet knob. The bidet had slammed its way straight to home plate and beyond, on to the “fifth base” of legend.
I ordered a valve online that day and installed it as soon as I was able. Never again, not without intent, preparation, and a safe word.
I have never used a bidet.
What I do use with every shit is a bidet shower.
You get a nice gentle but strong enough stream which you control all the time.
Also, I never shoot it directly at my anus, but more like from an angle, so even if it suddenly had 10x the flow, it wouldn’t go into my arse.
Pretty much every single bathroom in Finland has these. As in even gas stations and bar toilets usually have one stall with a sink in the stall and a bidet shower attached.
this is a work of fucking art
Bro, you’re supposed to use a NEW piece to wipe each time
Protip: You wipe after you completely finish shitting, not the entire time you’re shitting.
I get all my wipes out at the beginning of the month, that way I don’t have to waste time later on
Smart
The first week, friends still hang out.
The last 3 weeks Pepé le Pew is their only buddy.
Thanks for the shitty tip!
A shitty tip is when your partner didn’t wipe before anal
As a gay bottom (gottom™), your partner should be doing more than wiping before anal
Yes I know. It just doesn’t really work with the joke when you explain that they need to also use a nozzle / douche to clean out from the inside.
Basic maintenance. Trim your asshole and put some lotion up there.
Spread your cheeks when you shit and if its bad really get up in there the first couple swipes. Also eat more fiber
Speak for yourself. Some of us can poop in parallel.
I love how Aubrey breaks before Chris says anything past his first line
It’s that delay, he held the next line back. Such great comedic timing!
This was when Chris Pratt was at his peak.
He sucks now. He was AMAZING in Parks and Rec.
Bumbling buffoonery is his niche. He’s not a leading man, action hero, regardless of how many roles they shoehorn him into.
I also like that he goes by “CP”. Very cool.
You like CP?
Parks and Rec is such a great show.
Bidet.
I gave up on reddit years ago but whenever someone posts about bidets it reminds me of my favorite reddit exchange
Someone posted asking why americans don’t use bidets. I commented, saying “am american, use bidet. Love it, shits tight”
Eventually a reply came from a confused esl person asking me if I had a constipation problem because they didn’t understand the colloquialism “shits tight”
I think about that exchange more often than I should
I mean a bidet would help with tight shit as well.
A bidet is a miracle device, helps in any and all situations. Diarrhea? Solved. Constipation? Solved. Regular? Surprisingly, solved. Wanna do the front too? Can be a bit awkward but it’s got you covered (in water, of course). Washing the throne? Solved. Basic calculus? Solved. Advanced calculus? Believe it or not, solved. Taxes? Avoided. Marriage counseling? Ever since I got my bidet my wife says my “stench is less appalling”. Solved, baby. I even use it to water the garden and defend my house from intruders.
Cannot recommend enough.
Neti pot? Solved!
Thirsty? Solved!
Would require good water pressure. Although that’s a careful balancing act because you can go too far the other way. Then that’s an embarrassing hospital visit.
Doubtful. I have never heard of residential water pressure high enough to do any damage.
Fires up pressure washer with extreme prejudice.
they didn’t understand the colloquialism “shits tight”
¡Duce’s Loose!
<wavesPinkyAndThumbInTheShaka>
Someone posted asking why americans don’t use bidets. I commented, saying “am american, use bidet. Love it, shits tight”
Apparently they didn’t know shit.
Joe Bidet?
John Bidet, inventor of the bidet.
gang 🤞
My house has four bathrooms and three bidets. My teenage son just won’t get on board with having a clean ass.
Maybe he has a sensitive ass.
It’s gentler than tp
Maybe he thinks touching his butthole would make him gay and a bidet would force him to wipe.
Eventually there is blood but no shit.
Better red than bidet!
It’s the only way I can finger myself without it being gay
If “red” rhymes with “bidet” you’re highly American
Fiber. Truly, up your fiber intake. The only time it won’t stain and linger is when it gathers in on itself.
So until they read about it on the internet they were leaving their butthole covered with shit all day?
Why would I stop wiping? There’s still blood back there!
Anon needs to eat more fiber
Funny how there’s always a completely moot discussion about wiping techniques or bidets when the real issue with people having to wipe 20 times is almost always diet.
If you think that’s bullshit go ahead and buy a small (for testing) pack of psyllium husk, consume two table spoons a day (in water or on top of a meal) and witness yourself becoming One-Sheet-Shane on the throne in 3 days.
witness yourself becoming One-Sheet-Shane on the throne in 3 days.
<afterChipotlewayComercial>
¡Not everybody’s got a Golden Asshole, Kyle!
Psyllium Husk tastes like dirt, try Inulin instead. It’s basically tasteless and does the exact same thing.
and probably a shave
Honestly, being constipated has always been good for not having a messy ass. It’s being regular or having diarrhea that is messy.
Eh I find truly regular isnt that messy. Its the liquid or liquids mixed with gas that get messy. True regular just slides out, sometimes so easily there isn’t even anything visible on a sheet after the first wipe.
Obviously, a bidet is the best way to have a clean butt, but baby wipes are a good compromise when in public bathrooms, they clean much better than dry toilet paper. Or wash on the side of the bathtub.
Don’t flush them no matter what the packaging says, though.
How fucking strong is your toilet that you could flush an entire bidet down it?
They aren’t. That’s why you shouldn’t flush one!
Americans don’t get much fiber so the toilets have to be severely overbuilt.
This is true, my American uncle once flushed an F150 to save on towing costs after one of the con rods made a window in the block
I am adding “made a window in the block” to my lexicon. Thank you.
Bidets… You don’t have bidets?
Nah he didn’t even run for reelection
I wipe homeopathically.
0.5 mm² gently applied at the top of my crack for a nice even dispersal.
0.5 mm²of what? 0.5 MM² OF WHAT??
Well, in homeopathy, like cures like, so probably more shit.
Hot sauce?
I wipe homo pathetically, I’ll leave the details to your imagination.
You wipe up to the fourth knuckle?
eating fiber helps
FFS get some technique. You use 3 squares folded over and do a pinch. You then use 2 squares folded for a second pinch. The last is two squares folded for a wipe, then folded again for the last clean up wipe. Yes, bidet is better but you’re gonna have to poo in a public restroom at some point. This isn’t rocket surgery, people. Get it together
Bidet is the obvious way to do it right. Japanese toilet second, but if you can-t go at home, at least use moist TP towelettes, and don-t flush them! Throw them in the waste bin!
Fwiw, there are portable “bidets”
They aren’t exactly a proper bidet, they’re just bottles with a nozzle. Some of them you can’t even carry the water in it, you have to be able to access water where you’re going (so, not great for camping usually, or portajohns).
But they do a decent job for the most part. Enough to at least reduce how much wiping is needed.
First vacation I went on after having a bidet for a couple years, I was miserable. My asshole had apparently lost its callouses and it bled and felt downright on fire for the second half of the trip. Now I never travel without my portable bidet. It does an impressively good job!
Culo clean is a lid you put on a normal plastic bottle, great for traveling.
Now, THIS is min-maxing!
Yeah, this is simply a skill issue.
Our public bathrooms often have bidet showers.
Like every bathroom will have at least one stall with one. Newer gas stations will have one in each.
This isn’t rocket surgery, people
Idk man I’m a bit hungover and I didn’t even try to mentally follow your arsewipe-origami.
