• MermaidsGarden@lemmy.world
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    4 months ago

    I’ve had it up to here with people saying JD Vance had sex with a couch. How many times do I have to say there’s no evidence JD Vance had sex with a couch before people stop saying JD Vance had sex with a couch? Liberals must be pretty desperate to make up that JD Vance had sex with a couch. The story that on March 17, 2011 JD Vance was banned from a Cleveland area IKEA after so thoroughly deflowering a KIVIK Sofa Chaise that it had to be removed as a biohazard due to the various fluids in and around it, causing the night manager to not only quit but need intensive therapy is beyond the pale. Who would believe this? There is sworn. court. testimony. that JD Vance has not made bare skin contact with a couch within the past 5 years. That’s a fact. Look it up. The idea that this is because JD Vance cannot contain his overwhelming sexual urges in the presence of soft furniture is reckless conjecture. Calling JD Vance a couchfucker is slander and you need to take it back.

    The Left™ will do anything to avoid talking about the real issues in this campaign, like the fact that Kamala Harris laughs sometimes.

    • iamjackflack@lemm.ee
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      4 months ago

      It’s funny you say that. However it’s a Fox News person that’s asking for this.

      • nilloc@discuss.tchncs.de
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        4 months ago

        They’re too stupid to know that proving something like fucking a couch didn’t happen is impossible. They think that lack of video evidence will prove it, but they’re just jagwagons.

    • cogman@lemmy.world
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      4 months ago

      Harris also has the skull shape of a Marxist! And the fact that she’s a girl will make all the other manly nations call us Sissies!

  • Moobythegoldensock@lemm.ee
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    4 months ago

    Hey guys, it’s time to mature up and admit that Vance probably did not have sex with a couch.

    He made love to it. Also, the couch was totally asking for it.

  • schnurrito@discuss.tchncs.de
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    4 months ago

    You know, until recently I thought that the golden days of Internet activism were over and we were mostly living in times where it was ridiculously easy to get things censored on the Internet.

    Then something as stupid as this gets this amount of attention because of Internet users having way too much time and energy to spread it. WTF

  • jordanlund@lemmy.world
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    4 months ago

    The AP was correct to pull the article. Nobody can definitively say “J.D. Vance did not have sex with a couch” just that “J.D. Vance did not write about having sex with a couch in his memoir, ‘Hillbilly Elegy’.”

    • Flying Squid@lemmy.world
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      4 months ago

      We don’t even know he didn’t write about it. All we can definitively say is that the story about J.D. Vance fucking a couch did not appear in the published edition of Hillbilly Elegy.

      Did he fuck a couch? Did he write about fucking a couch? Only Vance can tell us for sure and he’s probably too busy fucking a couch.

            • nomous@lemmy.world
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              4 months ago

              I’m not sure but if everyone is saying it there must be something to it, dude definitely enjoys the chaise.

              • andrewta@lemmy.world
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                4 months ago

                I disagree on that concept. Just because a lot of people are saying something doesn’t mean there is something to it. Should we look at it? Absolutely yes

                But there is a guy who made a comment that says his grandma (or maybe it was his mom can’t remember) read the book so I’d ask who else has actually read the book?

                Good example of group think: lots of people thought disco was good.

                • nomous@lemmy.world
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                  4 months ago

                  I agree with you 100%. We should absolutely be asking why JD Vance would fuck a couch, if in fact he fucked a couch. And why so many people would be talking about JD Vance fucking couches if he didn’t.

                  It doesn’t really change anything for me but I don’t think I’ll be letting that guy around my couches. Not because I honestly think JD Vance fucks couches but it’s better to be safe than sorry.

                  edit: Personally I don’t want to read the kind of filth a couch fucker would write so I haven’t read the book but I have it on good authority that people are saying JD Vance admits to fucking at least one couch.

        • HeyThisIsntTheYMCA@lemmy.world
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          4 months ago

          The bookstore I was at a few years ago you could get a copy signed by a Chesterfield for an extra buck. Make of that what you will

    • Todd Bonzalez@lemm.ee
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      4 months ago

      My mother read the book, and tells me that the couch fucking part is absolutely in there.

      She also said he’s a bad writer and his book is mostly fiction, so the couch fucking is probably as true as him being from Appalachia.

  • frickineh@lemmy.world
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    4 months ago

    Finally, a use case for AI that I can really get behind!

    Kidding, please god no one deepfake that weirdo going to town on a totally innocent sofa. Fuckin nightmare fuel.

  • Flying Squid@lemmy.world
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    4 months ago

    Not to kink shame you, Jesse, but maybe keep what titillates you to yourself.

    Anyway, by now there’s bound to be porn with a Vance lookalike fucking a couch, so you’ll get what you need for the most part.

    • Dramaking37@lemmy.world
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      4 months ago

      Did Jesse Walters have a fetish where he watches people fuck couches? I’m just asking questions here.

      • Flying Squid@lemmy.world
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        4 months ago

        He never said he didn’t have a fetish where he watches people fuck couches. Many people are saying he has a fetish where he watches people fuck couches.

        • Dramaking37@lemmy.world
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          4 months ago

          Thank you, now that you mention it I’ve totally heard about his couch fetish. A lot of people are saying it even in this thread.

        • theneverfox@pawb.social
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          4 months ago

          I demand video evidence of him not having a couch fucking fetish

          I’ll play it next to the clip where he publicly requested a video of a man fucking a couch

    • bluewing@lemm.ee
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      4 months ago

      Such a video is the job AI was created to do.

      Maybe not the Hero we want, but the Hero we deserve.

      • Viking_Hippie@lemmy.world
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        4 months ago

        Twice, actually. First that of Anthony Wiener and then that of Hunter Biden.

        For a party of homophobes who claim to hate liberals, they sure seem to be hungry for some liberal cock 😂

  • sarcasticsunrise@lemmy.world
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    4 months ago

    No wonder JD wants to make porn illegal. I’m almost with him if it means me not getting Rickrolled with a gif of him fucking a loveseat

    • jeffw@lemmy.worldOPM
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      4 months ago

      “It’s not a loveseat, okay?! It’s a couch! I don’t fuck loveseats!” - Vance, probably?

      • sarcasticsunrise@lemmy.world
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        4 months ago

        “It’s called making love when it’s a loveseat! It’s in the name!!! Also, ban porn NOW!

        – From The book “Hillbilly Elegy: A Memoir Of a Family and Culture in Crisis” by author JD Vance

  • collapse_already@lemmy.ml
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    4 months ago

    Anyone else hoping that a video surfaces just so we can make the conservatives watch it? Bonus points if he refers to the couch as Flipper while borking it.

    • UnderpantsWeevil@lemmy.world
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      4 months ago

      Anyone else hoping that a video surfaces just so we can make the conservatives watch it?

      The new Rick Roll is inserting footage of JD Vance fucking a couch in between scenes of Hunter Biden fucking a prostitute.

      Once Republicans regain power, these will be the only two legal forms of pornography.

    • badbrainstorm @lemmy.today
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      4 months ago

      Double bonus if he shames and belittles the couch for not getting pregnant, and says if it were up to him, it would not be allowed to vote

    • Xanis@lemmy.worldB
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      4 months ago

      Put that shit up on a screen like what happened to the old and wrinkled Italian regime. Tifa up there screaming, giving heart attacks to poor old men, that scene was so obscene.

      Now imagine the travesty, bunch of out the closet conservatives projecting their desires, watching what transpires as JD Vance has a relationship with an entire set. They’re the ones that must bear witness to that.